OMG, people are so dumb sometimes. I know I sound like a teenager with that sentence but when you apparently work amongst those who act juvenile, there's some old habit slipping.

Why, oh why, oh why would you pick up in ingredient request that already comes with a job number and if you look at the text of the email says it was applied for online but these are the letters that go with it, come back to me and say you don't know what the company wants and then finally when I get back to you with the information you respond, "oh, I don't take care of online requests." Dumb. Why didn't you think of this before? And then go ahead and refer me to someone else who, after I forward the info, asks me why this was given to him. Fine, IAR people, don't take care of the ingredients. I don't care. I know I can slack on my job but things get done especially since I don't have anyone to shift it on to. Unlike the ingredients department. Whatever.

Frustrated. Day after Rosh HaShanah and the year is already off to a bad start. Work-wise and of course everything else. I know miracles don't happen overnight but you gotta wonder how you would notice them if they occurred slowly. And everyone and thing become irritable over the time.

Fasting today. It may not last all day, depends how I feel by 1ish. Or after. No gym either. I was thinking of going for my permit today but I guess I'll see when I can get out.

I really need a drink of water.

The apathy is here again in the pit of my stomach which I may be confusing with hunger. As in, I'll eat to fill it but it won't go away nor do I get full. It just does not go anywhere. This may have to do with something that happened last night and the grief I am putting on myself thanks to a wonderful epiphany this morning. That and another night of weird dreams which completely mystify me and freak me out.

But the apathy. Which confuses me to no end simply because I know better. However, I also know more than I should and that makes me question things, possibly everything, until I am a blank mess just sitting somewhere waiting almost to be rescued until I realize that it will never happen. So I get up, still a spaced out zombie, and go about as I should. And think some more which is a danger I really have to maintain. Past the point of becoming, it is truly ridiculous.

I can't say I don't feel anything. It isn't true, I feel way more than I'd like to even when in this funk. So all these emotions basically combust inside me until in addition, I walk around in a haze.

I can't anymore. Something needs to change. I thought moving would help and it has. I breathe easier now, no pressure, no one I know. It's incredible in a way. But the everything else is still there. Boo. Hoo.

I need to get a laptop.

So much pain. And itchiness. Sunburns are the devil. However, they have yet to truly stop me from playing in the sun. No matter how much sunscreen I put on, if skin is exposed that usually isn't (such as my shoulders in this case) there will be a burn. So painful that I cannot even sleep on my back. And laying on my front doesn't help as my chest and front of shoulders are bright red as well. This happened on Tuesday and has yet to get better. Unless itchiness is a sign of healing?

Must get a laptop. Labor Day this weekend so that means SALE TIME. I really hope I get a chance to go by Best Buy or some other place. And I won't be pressured. Will only buy if it feels right. Then again, when the salespeople start listing all the features my head goes swimmy and it always feels right. I might need to work on the resistance thing. Of course how I pay for this is anyone's guess. I really would put it off, and I should, except I've been delaying this purchase for over a year. Reason was involved but I am dumb enough to actually buy something sometime soon and somehow deal with the consequences later.

I've been oversleeping. It might be an effect from the burn, I know I'm very lethargic and overall feeling crappy because of it. I don't think it's because I'm that tired. I don't do anything these days. I mean, I still go out but it isn't strenuous activity. Maybe it has something to do with the cat? But I never thought I was allergic before. And why would it take 2 weeks to kick in?

Need to figure out what to do for the holidays. I'm pretty sure I'm staying at the old apartment for Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. Will need to figure out meals, mostly the night ones because of the ceremonial stuff. During the day I can just chill out, do nothing and eat light. Probably should call my aunt about Sukkot. And must reserve my shul seat.

Still tired. And itchy. Gah. I sort of wish I was home but then I would be home and complainy because of this crap. At least at work I am being semi-productive. Probably the smart thing.

ahdkjlkdsfhlk;jl;askd

Oh,SHOW! This beyond thrills me than [tos] or anything else. Really. I am just so flippin' happy. And curious about CMIYC and Aaron but really? He's gonna be Gabe on BROADWAY. And this cast. The only thing I would consider changing but still be hesitant about is Bobby for Brian. Cause I adored Bobby at Arena but Brian was incredible. However, not complaining. Oh, show. Oh, cast. Oh good lord thank you.

I truly hope it does well. And has rush/lotto. Cause that's important.

Where the hell did January go?

So, erm, stuff has happened. But more stuff hasn't. Not yet anyway. Losing weight has been my primary goal for this year (50+ pounds down, yo), and although I acknowledge it's a work-in-progress I keep obsessing over it and not focusing on other things that can be done in the meanwhile. Like writing and befriending and not just working on the outside, but learning to progress what's inside as well. So I have big hopes for the person I like to be in 2010. If that makes sense at all.

Speaking of, I should probably let go of some of the self-deprecating crap and try to be more confident and optimistic. See? I know what needs to be worked on.

Leaving work in like 5 minutes. Gonna do a Target run (2nd in two days - what?) and then head up to Macy's. 20@20ing Forbidden Broadway tonight. Seriously, I love this event.

Fuerzabruta is on comps but Josh isn't there. Do I really want to see it again without him?

I'm going back to VA on Sunday because there is something wrong with me. Once is not enough for this show, I am addicted to it and MUST see it again, apparently twice in one day. So we are going to closing as I managed to cajole Ilana to join me. I'm persuasive that way.

Also partial stalking but mostly for N2N. Oh show. I heart you.

Later will have to remember to review the show. Plus, I may need to buy a recorder of some sort.

40 minutes until I can go. I am so restless and anxious, just ready to get my stuff together and head up to Port Authority and LGA.

I'm not nervous, not dreading it but there's a knot in my stomach because I am so on edge about just getting there.

39 minutes. and counting.

Today may be a waste of a workday. I almost took off but that would have been a waste of a sick day. So instead, I am here doing nothing because almost every client of ours has off. Most of my co-workers are focused on the goings on in Mumbai so at least we're trying to keep busy. I was reading up on that while placing a Glarkware order which may be the only Black Friday sale I can take advantage of. Yay for being at work! But really, I want "I <3 Irony" and "Good Grammar Costs Nothing" shirts. I've been coveting them for almost a year now and $5 is pretty good. It's like when I only buy show shirts at the Broadway Flea Market. I do love my "Can you use that in a sentence?" tee. I don't wear it but I love it.

I am oh so bored and looking forward for when it's not too early and I can have my mac & cheese lunch. I decided to do a trial run for M&C on Wednesday night as I'm planning on making it for the party. As it turns out, it needs salt but when eaten with ketchup you can't tell. And Miriam thinks I need to cut back on the red pepper but her senses are so finely honed that what to her is a huge kick is actually a hint to everyone else.

Off yesterday and loved it. I enjoy sleeping late and lazing around on random days. Of course I am lazy and did not run like I intended to. However, I did do laundry and baked for Chaya so go me. Yes, I baked cookies and pumpkin muffins my for my sister for the meal she is having tonight that I am not attending as I will be in Wesley Hills. I am good like that.

Chaya Sarah's picking me up around 1ish near work cause we're going to Suri for Shabbos. Let's hope we find each other rather quickly and don't spend 20 minutes going "...where are you?..." cause that is so very possible.

Other random things? My life is boring. I've noticed that. We fly to Detroit in a week. CT is the Sunday after we return and I don't think we've even bought tickets for Emmett Otter yet. Plus, Virginia may not happen until January and I pray it does because I need to see this show again. I will go to my mother for the weekend so I can spend Sunday in Arlington. Hell, I would even invite them to come with so they'll drive me. THAT IS HOW DESPERATE I AM. It's almost sad. Almost.

Oh hey. I just got some work to do. I probably should take care of that.

I don't agree with everyone's point of view, especially in my office. I'm fairly more liberal than most and I accept that. Thus, I don't flaunt my principles and such in front of them. If I feel the need to write a letter, I won't send it around the office for feedback, especially when I don't truly know what everyone's views are and more importantly, barely know some of the people to whom I am sending it. That's what your friends are for. This lady is not my friend. In fact, I don't think we've ever had a conversation. Why I am on her mailing list is beyond me. That being said, I can't even describe how livid and disgusted this letter makes me.

As a longtime costumer, I regret having to write this letter. In the past I looked forward to perusing your myriad selection of greeting cards, anticipating the warm reception from the friends and relatives on the receiving end. Yesterday, I stopped by a local store to select some cards and noticed a new category on display entitled: “For Any Couple.” Realizing what this was referring to, I was greatly surprised and disappointed that your company, that once represented the wholesome family values America stood for, was now officially validating immorality and chose to cash in on this market. I suspect I am one of many in my reaction to your management’s unfortunate choice. I hope that you will reconsider and remove this category from your inventory. Until then, I am no longer interested in patronizing American Greetings.

I seriously started shaking whilst reading it. Clearly, I feel that people should know who they are forwarding letters like this to. You don't have to agree with a company's decision to create and distribute cards for same sex couples but to boycott them and write a letter condemning them for it? I honestly find it so hard to understand that kind of intolerance. How is this hurting you, exactly? Is your world shattered at the idea of your children saying, "What does 'Any Couple' mean, mommy?" Because if it is, your world is a very sad place. I just don't get it and it physically is hurting me.

Although, my favorite part? She signed it with her initials which are B.S. Yeah, they are.

I have this huge project that was just handed off to me for reasons mostly known but a little unknown and while I kind of understand what I need to do (actually more than kind of) I have no interest at the moment to actually look through and figure it out. At least they know it's a huge project and is going to take me a few days to do it in conjunction with my actual work. Possibly more than a few days. I think I need to finish it by the end of the week.

I'm amazed it's about 12:30 now and that I haven't taken my lunch break yet but there's only 3 1/2 hours left at the office. Possibly less if I decide to go out. No gym today though. Thanks uterus.

Speaking of which, OW. Oh the pain. Thanks uterus. Why was I cursed that my teenage years were pain-free and while in my 20's, I'm caught between wanting to stab something and hiding under a rock and crying? Not that I'm complaining about the lack of pain but it spoiled me.

We're party planning again for Chanukah. Yay?

Oh ow. I need Advil. I've been craving pizza bagels and Osem's chicken pasta soup thing that tastes like crap. So yummy.

I need to update my icons.

huh. so josh is engaged.

wait.

what?

when?



ok, that's it. no more facebooking. it just gets me into trouble. in fact, you'd think i would have learned by now.

That's it. I am booked for Chicago. No turning back now. All that's left is figuring out the work days and well, making sure I can afford everything else.

It's gonna work out. And? It's gonna be great.

Chicago, Goodspeed & Hartford and Virginia. That's what December is. SO EXCITED.

I voted today. For the first time. It was a bit anti-climactic, I feel. It seems I thought there would have been more of a euphoria or some air to it that wasn't there. I don't know. Plus, they weren't giving out "I Voted" stickers or pins so that was a bit disappointing.

OK. I've noticed I need to start writing again because there's a story that's been kicking in my head and I already even have the people whom if I ever managed into a play (within the next two years) would be perfect for it. Because SAME is not working out like I wanted it to. But JUST THE AFTER may actually work out? I don't know. Maybe in an idealistic world. Because the characters (well one in particular) is the offspring of two characters in a show or at least I made him so. So it's kinda like fanfic but not really because like most of my other stuff, it's a 2 person story and so the other 2 people are not there. Just mentioned. Point? I don't actually have to bring in anything about them but their relationship is a little utopian and I don't know how that will fly. Why must I analyze without writing it down first? And I really should get back to HARD ENOUGH TO HURT. I feel like the only way to get out of this funk I seem to be in is to plunge myself into the writing and just let it go. Let their stories be done and move on.

This apathy thing is choking me.

so maybe i was being paranoid and over-thinking things and everything is how it was and precisely how it should be. maybe.

i hope so.

i think i'd like to retreat to my own little world and wear rose-colored glasses for a little while every now and then. of course the shock of re-entering real life would hurt me more than i was before so maybe not.

still...

i'm okay. it's all okay. and even if it isn't right now, it will be. we're all gonna be okay. and that's something to consider in a positive light.



and maybe, just maybe, i should stop reading so much into things and stay clueless until someone tells me something. but not just anyone. straight from the actual people themselves. that might work.

such is life. such is friends. such is family. such is apparently everything and in between.

I really need to start writing things down. Because while forgetting you have plans or promising to take care of something and then not following through in your personal life is bad, pulling that crap at work is 100 times worse.

eesh. Either I'm overworked or very very very lazy.



Speaking of writing things down, I keep forgetting to update here. This too is not good.

In the continuation of people who are just a little too close for comfort...My bank sent me a birthday card. A few days early but sent it nonetheless. It's just a little too personal, I feel.

In other news, someone decided to have a gig after like a year and some. And I, of course, was unable to attend because I was upstate for the weekend and didn't come back until 1 AM. We were supposed to be back earlier but it still would have been too late to go. I'm just going to add this to all the Friday night gigs I'm sulky about. But still, since last April. It better not be another 15 months until he decides to play again.

It's been awhile since I've publicly updated here. Been meaning to but never really get the chance. Business doesn't factor in as much as procrastination and laziness. So a few things:

1. Still working at the OU and still for the fourth rabbi though that may last only until August. We shall see. Got a nice raise though, 8%. Which, for the OU, is awesome. Still haven't reached 35 but I'm closer.

2. Suri broke off the engagement. This was some time ago and I realize how long it's been since I've publicly posted because the day she did it I wrote a whole long rant (mostly about mikey's idiocy) which was private and also is the 3rd post that shows up when I log in. So it's been awhile. She's upstate now with her family (they moved to Wesley Hills end of June and yes, I miss them like crazy) but may come back to Brooklyn for school and/or work.

3. Chaya is turning 30. I am turning 25. I am not ready for this at all.

There were other things but I am very forgetful lately. I'm aware of this and am trying to write things down to remember them. Which is a reason why I have this journal but alas, I never keep up with anything these days. It's quite sad.

Back to work. 2 of four bosses are out today. Quieter than usual but still busy enough.

[tos] tonight. So excited!

What I should not be doing at nearly 2 in the morning is reading fic and getting nostalgic about fandoms past.

It starts with me rewatching "Friends" from the beginning and wondering why Rachel and Chandler never hooked up. Really. There's so much untapped potential there. Plus, then Chandler never would have become fodder for Monica's craziness. I mean, they were cute in the beginning but then everyone found out and she went nuts and he was sort of backseated. Amusing sometimes but overall, annoying. Anyway, so my inner fangirl decides to see if there's any Rachel/Chandler stuff out there (which there is, not a lot though) and somehow I end up finding former fannish stuff which makes me think about when I first found out about fic and slash and online communities and I needed to look up some of my favorite stories of my first real "couple". Aww. The good old days when I wasn't jaded about life and actually thought I could write and fandom was something fun. There's a reason I never got actively involved in Rent and other new interests . It's just too hard, you get burned once you don't want to go back there. Plus, not so much virtual living is good for me.

Anyway, those were simpler times. And I like to look back on them fondly. You know, without the crazy internal cringing of how pathetic I was. Maybe one day.

I was dating a check earlier today and realized something - it's been a year since I've seen/heard Joshua play.

I don't like that at all. Dude, have another gig please. I know you're having the time of your life with your crazy playground show and all but you've got other skills. And I miss seeing you on stage, hearing your voice live. Recorded stuff is just not the same. I was listening to Instyle the other day and my heart caught because I physically missed seeing him play.

In the same vein, Matt you can have another gig as well. I know your duo thing with Cary didn't exactly work out (Cataclysmic Trendship? really?) but you can manage it on your own. I know you can.

And I miss seeing Katy live too. It's been over a year since I've seen her too. Why does she mostly have Friday night gigs in NY?? I can't go to those. What's wrong with a regular weeknight? And Jersey is so unaccessible. Maybe I really should learn to drive.

I think I might miss last year.

What the heck was I thinking running this shower? I don't know anything about throwing bridal showers! And now I have to write a poem for the invite which shouldn't be too difficult except it is. And work is driving me crazy and there's so much other stuff too.......

I'm looking at an apartment tonight. Not because I actually am looking to move but because over Pesach, a friend of Rifky's mentioned that her sister (who lives a few blocks away from me) needs to find a roommate. And my sisters jumped at the chance to direct my life so it was basically decided that I would go see the place. Hi, I'm 24 and turning 25 in a few months. Yes, I do know how to tie my own shoes, why do you ask?

Just from what I've been told, it was a few perks - the rent is way cheaper, there's a washer & dryer available and only one roommate. Downside, I'm really not looking to move and I don't want to just spring it upon my roommates and it's a basement. Plus, very possibly other stuff. In Brooklyn, you cannot find a basement apartment that does not feel like a basement. It's too cramped and dingy and I'm used to living in bigger spaces. I like living in airier areas. I do, however, know people who need to move (Ettee for one) so I'm going tonight with them in mind. Hey, if it's not meant for me maybe I can help someone else.

OK, back to work. And working on that poem. Cause it's a poem poem. Gah.

I feel as though I should blog as according to eljay, I have not done so in about two weeks? idk but I actually sort of have some time and am not in the mood of reading at the moment (which may be due to a wonderful headache) so update of some sort I shall.

In Detroit now; Chay and I flew in on Thursday and leave a week from yesterday. So 11 days, I should be okay. I think. It can get a little cooped up here but I'm not restricted from getting out or anything. Not that there's anywhere to go by foot or anything. I swear, in the US outside of NY is impossible to live in if you cannot drive. It's not like it's horrid here or anything. I think it's more the situation. Let me just say right now that 3 day holidays are not fun. The not showering (though i probably could have if i wanted to), the not shaving, the no-where to really go by yourself. It's OK here, in fact it's better here than it ever was back when mother was still living in Brooklyn, but there comes a time when you're just ready to take a break from everyone. And you know that everyone else feels the same. Now we have intermediate days and 2 more actual holiday days. Also, I have never been so happy to shower as I was to shower last night. Take that two years of Pioneers with your 10 Mile and Delaware Rivers, incessant hikes and other crazy camp stuff. You cannot compare to a 3 day Yom Tov. You try your best but it's just more bearable with you.

Today was very tiring. There was an Amusement Park of sorts set up for the Jews of the area as a Chol HaMoed treat in the parking lot of a strip mall. Amazingly, there was a ton of space so it wasn't very cramped or crowded. The park was only open for about 4 hours which is weird but smart. This way nobody gets a chance to get too cranky about leaving or anything. Or gets sick of it for being there too long. We were there for about 3 hours. The kids had an awesome time though which is always the important thing. It was very cool though to see a whole park like that set up in small enough space.

OK my headache is affecting my thinking process and looking at the screen here, which btw is a screen that I would eventually like to get for myself. It's not very high (15 inches i think?) but it's very wide which makes things easier to looks at. Anyway, I think I need to go take Advil, shower and sleep. Maybe more tomorrow on my fun fun fun-filled days here in Oak Park, MI.